Ryan Callahan Meateater Net Worth, Articles H

Eh, sex work is legitimate work. Or get off? I really hope it does lead to the OP getting help. My partner finds it funny that I get excited to go to Vegas for work and roll my eyes when it is a friend/social trip because he knows me so well. Its bizarre to talk about letting another adult do anythingtalk about patronizing. It doesnt mean you dont love him, and it doesnt mean either of you are bad people. In these instance either hes cheating, Im cheating (not happening), or one of us is crazy. It reminds me of what my parents always said to stop me doing things. Seriously, OP this is *NOT* normal. If this is anxiety, OCD, or any other disorder then therapy for himself is absolutely necessary. :P. The drunk human traffickers are trafficking the dealers! Updated on July 08, 2011. Just like someone might look for a spouse who is athletic or smart or has a certain sense of humor or earning power, it might be important that FutureSpouse has the skills to share a household with the in-laws. We are the City That Never Sleeps, remember? She should set a boundary around this type of thing because it gets out of hand. Bonus was that the skills I learned translate to my professional and personal life *every day*. I go on business trips. (Anxiety twists everything; try not to fuel the fire.) I would have zero concerns about my husband going to Vegas without me, and I know that he would have zero concerns about me going without him. Yeah. The only sides are you both addressing a bad frame of reference that your spouse has. I do know that the way he is handling his concerns is controlling, right down to gaslighting you by saying everyone agrees with him. At least, not something like this, which is a very normal part of having a job. You cant leave the house, there are kidnappers everywhere! I wonder if he needs help with general anxiety rather than marriage counselling. But leave out the reasons, the excuses, the justifications and the emotions, as far as you can. You (both individually and as a family) need your income. When I lived in Tokyo, articles would occasionally pop up in the U.S. media describing a particular neighborhood as an adult playground where foreigners fell victim to crimes, and well-meaning relatives would forward them to me with a warning to stay away from here, LOL.. I find this so interesting. I think youre right, but it really needs to be highlighted up top: a lot of people tend to think that couples counseling is for us issues, and this is 100% a him issue. My husband has cheerfully seen me off to conferences in Vegas, Austin, Reno, San Diego, Milwaukee, and other cities. He was jealous and controlling before we got engaged. Yeah, I read it as they object and they wouldnt let them go.. You get attention, you often get attempts at comfort, sometimes you get a hug; these are all rewarding. And if I only believed he was in danger because I have anxiety I cant control, this wouldnt help at allin fact, it would probably make the anxiety worse. Are you ok with dealing with his overexagerations, accusations, and paranoia whenever you go for a trip by yourself or is it starting to get on your nerves. It was BAD. No matter how cool your parents are, money always comes with obligations. Disordered anxiety changes shape to fit inside whatever container is available, which might be infidelity or kidnapping or alien abduction. hahahah! And honestly he would be the first to say that the breaks when Im away, and he can eat PBJ sandwiches for dinner, are refreshing for him too. I certainly didnt want to give that impression! Its like I encouraged a learned behavior. Hed probably drive her nuts the entire trip monitoring when she comes and goes, trying to veto business dinners with her colleagues, calling her if shes a minute later than she said shed beAnd if youre working the conference, its exhausting and theres not really a lot of time to explore. The follow up is what took it from possible anxiety issue on overdrive to controlling husband for me. You deserveit! That doesnt seem fair! Im not controlling or irrational, Im protecting my marriage!, An outsider can actually say Husband, this behaviour isnt normal or good for your relationship. Well the place was built by mobsters to skin the rubes in casinos . Youre better equipped than anyone here to judge whether hes capable of moving past his insecurities and choosing not to or if theyre something totally beyond his control, but you should get to the point of understanding that this is his own baggage and the only reasonable things you should feel about them is either sadness that your husband is falling to this sort of insane thinking or frustration that hes letting his insecurities get the better of him, whichever of those you think is more appropriate to your situation. Group Black's collective includes Essence, The Shade Room and Naturally Curly. I think the fact that hes willing to go counseling (am I reading that correctly?) Ill be honest, my first thought was not anxiety, but control and maybe future abuse. That is not rational and that is not how business or marriages work. And I really dont want to camp with a bunch of guys drinking beer, poking the fire and talking about cars (or whatever it is they talk about). What if he dies? And shes the main provider in the family? Last time I was in Vegas (similar situation) I ate at a few off-strip but highly-rated restaurants. o_o, As an Iowa alum, I can personally vouch that Ive seen more drunken debauchery in Iowa City than I have on the Vegas Strip. Good points. We both very quickly realized its quite safe, and a really interesting place to be, in a good sense. Companies dont plan things in Vegas to put their employees at risk. During the first trip I spent most of my time during the day sight-seeing by myself (or with tour groups) while my wife attended her conference and later meeting her and friends for dinner and evening events. Everyone thinks youre wrong.. But they definitely need marriage counseling. (Also worth mentioning: The ways weve developed the concept of masculinity in the US mean that many guys express anxious feelings as anger, so look out for that too.) I was just coming here to ask if she asked him to Turn his key!. I guarantee if my partner surveyed their friends they would all tell them that they are being ridiculous to even question letting (ha!) Congratulations. I loved the weird, entertaining shows on the street, the warm evenings, the bustle and cheer. Sounds like this husband needs to identify exactly what he is afraid ofI highly doubt that both his wife cheating and her getting kidnapped are equal fears because they stem from different insecurities, but hey, maybe hes insecure about everything. The only effective thing to do with anger is for one of you to walk away leave the house if you have to. I hope you go to Vegas and find love with someone who doesnt treat you like property. This is always my response to people and they always get mad at me for saying it. Im wondering if hes ever been to Vegas? Good luck and please update us! I shut that down fast by reminding her I was working an evening shift that ended at 11 PM. I always laugh about when I lived in the Bay Area and my mom would freak out anytime I mentioned doing something in Oaklandshe really could not understand how the city could possibly be different than the way it is portrayed in the media, and assumed I was walking into some drug/murder den on a frequent basis. He told me one day that the previous weekend, a few months before the upcoming wedding, his fiance broke up with him while they were sitting on the couch watching TV. This was pre cell phone so it meant finding payphones. I say go for it! Until I heard the week after that everyone was kept so busy that they really didnt have time or energy to do any of the fun stuff. Connect with your family and friends, and even try tomake new friends. OP, I have a few questions: do you travel overnight to other places for your work? Yes, we were taking advantage of the fact that 19/20 year olds can go to the pub in the UK, but we were still hanging out with the professor while we did so. He is the one with the heavy lifting, though. Captain Awkward is amazing when answering questions about control, manipulation, and gaslighting. Oh, good, dont have to worry about Massive Problem A oh hey, Medium Problem B, lets obsessively think about that for ages!. If his anxiety is more travel related than trust related, there may besome reasonable actions you can take together to smooth them out. For work. Yeah, I had a boyfriend in college who Id started dating after being part of the same friend group as him for a long time. Things to consider!! It will improve not only this small piece of your relationship, but his whole life. this makes me IRATE. husband doesn t want to go on family vacation. Right!? Okay, I've been chewing on this for a few weeks. Hmm. Its simple to plan a conference because food, rooms, space are all within one building. Either hes being very careful who he asks so that hes only asking people who would agree with him, or hes converting noncommittal answers (e.g., Yeah, I can see that youre upset) into See? Go on the trip. A therapist will be of substantial benefit to OP in uncovering these typically subconcious assumptions and patterns, and mindfully challenging them and acquiring a different and more equitable relationship with her husband. Actually, it would be easy for my husband to find someone who shares these views. I deeply hope that he is just sort of neurotic and doesnt handle it very well. Well, it depends. If the wife approaches it as a joint issue, that demonstrates goodwill rather than blame, and is more likely to get the husband into the therapists office. He can express an opinion at most. In NYC? People understand the environment and are very vigilant about what is going on. It doesnt take the anxiety away, but it seemed to dull some of the crazier bits. They might be mad that they're not invited . Can you tell mewhat todo?Maya. I suppose OP knows her own husband best, theres a chance inviting him along would be an offer of Good Faith to show that theres really nothing all that bad about Sin City. Contributors control their own work and . Just dont pack up and leave while theyre out of town and not even leave a note. I dont think anyone is acting like they havent heard the reputation, were just saying its silly and outdated. What level of dealing with him can you actually do during these three days AND be able to focus on your work stuff? Yeah, Vegas is like Disneyland now. I bought a single-serve bottle of wine in the hotel convenience store and enjoyed it in my room. I work for a global health organization. Wow. I may have missed a comment already saying this, but looking for a way to put the husband in the best possible light, does he work in a field that never had business travel? I suspect this has less to to with irrational fears of the big, bad world, and more to do with an outdated, sexist view of the man being in charge of his woman. Group Leaders communicate with staff moderators and escalate potential violations for review, but they dont moderate discussions. The first time I visited Scotland (as an undergrad) I was on a school trip and we went to Orkney, in the far north. 6. I think. CES, the Consumer Electronics Show is held there yearly, and is a massive tech conference, millions of square feet of conference space. The number of dudes who felt the need to tell me how unsafe my backpacking around Europe with my best friend was was pretty high. Back in the days of Usenet, this was called the lurkers support me in email, which just about sums it up. ! Um, Im going to my cousins house. Street photography! But not the end of the world. Thats pretty seriously delusional thinking. What helped me was to realize that this is something Im prone to do, recognize it when its happening, and mentally tell myself whats real and whats not real. Is a 4 day trip to Vegas worth loosing a 10 yrs relationship. I only left the conference hotel a couple of times, always with a group, and we were in the touristy area right next to the Gaslamp district anyway. OP this is the kind of thing Id bring up in therapy what you will do and what you will NOT do. On the one hand, youd have to be very clear that hed be on his own while youre in all those meetings/conferences/etc and that you cant spend that time with him but, on the other hand, it may be worthwhile to relieve his stress and anxiety. (Note: relationship = 3-4 months of long-distance dating, which I quickly realized was a Bad Idea.) My partner has a fantastic story of stumbling on some kind of yakuza pre-dustup in Namba (in a Family Mart of all places). Yeah, I hate having that thought, but that was exactly where my mind went he is freaking out because he thinks OP is going to do what he did. This concern is not about risk of harm, it is about trust in your judgment. I bet youll have fun. Lets not give credibility to LWs spouse by arguing the matter of whether its really dangerous, or whether he has reasons to believe she will have an affair. In fact, were you inclined to cheat, you might be more likely to do so in a boring place where theres much less to do (j/k, kinda). Most people just went to Banana Republic and then did some karaoke. Maybe hes an abusive dick. Ask questions like: Why didnt Iget invited? Then listen carefully asheanswers these questions and try not tointerrupt him orjump inwith your own thoughts onthe matter until hes finished explaining his reasoning, even ifitfeels like aneternity. For example, I dont gamble and drugs, etc have no appeal. Vegas has a convenient airport, massive conference facilities, and tons of hotels that cater to business travelers. What is wrong with people? Reading it again, its a bit confusing, but I still think the husbands friends arent agreeing with him. Honestly I have been to a few conferences in Vegas and I worked so much all I saw was the inside of a conference room or a hotel bed, into which I fell (alone) exhausted every night. Please be safe, and let us know what happens. Much better is Lundy Bancrofts Why does he do that?. If your partner has been in therapy for years and isnt making progress, its very possible that their therapist doesnt have the full picture. Couples therapy, NOW, to sort out this huge red flag. In most normal partnerships where you have shared responsibilities its not so much asking permission, as its checking in to make sure spouse doesnt need you For anything at that time. Ive been to Vegas many, many times. Ive been to Vegas. Ive now chosen to travel for my job to offset he loneliness. Also have casinos on boats. (Great people that I wish I could work with.no real role for me in what they do, though.). My own husband went to Vegas for a conference a few years ago. I posted above about his great and powerful They. The Everybody who agrees with him. About 3 months in (together 3 years now), I went for a very long walk, in a not-well-lit, bad sidewalks area, as I was used to doing. If your husband wont go to counseling, go alone. The educational health content on What To Expect is reviewed by our medical review board and team of experts to be up-to-date and in line with the latest evidence-based medical information and accepted health guidelines, including the medically reviewed What to Expect books by Heidi Murkoff. It blows my mind that people see this as acceptable behaviour. He got anxious when I went to San Diego only because it was near the Mexican border, but gee whiz. The views expressed in community are solely the opinions of participants, and do not reflect those of What to Expect. Its just a normal American city that happens to have the nations most vast square footage of conference hall space and some of its cheapest business-class hotels. And basic woman code of policing your drink would negate that fear. Rape! Or maybe its anxiety fueling a control issue, but I highly doubt that anxiety treatment will help. Then maybe, if you can swing it, a weekend trip there for the two of you would be a good idea? (No, actually, a real list.) They were both married to other people, started an affair that weekend, and eventually left their spouses. The conference hall manager looked at my colleaguewho requested a kosher meallike they were crazy. I cant recall exactly how they recommended to handle it, but it started with asking the spouse about what exactly they feared and coming to a compromise that would address the fear. What the hell kind of business is even done in Vegas! I have friend who grossly exaggerates the number of people who support his stance, nevermind the the biasing in surveying. I agree with Allison I think marriage counseling may be a good think to look into. It does sound like some type of anxiety as these worries are extreme. Going to the store and picking out our own groceries is the easiest thing in the world for us. vacation without ever spending a single quarter in a slot machine! I would completely understand if my partner were worried if I needed to go on one of these trips, but if he tried to FORBID me from goingyeah, that wouldnt go well for him. Context does not change would into wouldnt. I know many wonderful non-abusive people who would raise a hairy eyeball over this. Thats what tips me toward the prospect that your husband is on the controlling end of the spectrum and not the real bad anxiety end of the spectrum. Ive felt less safe in a couple of places in my own city. Is she free to travel then? And theres more but I here these comments and the whole story wasnt told. I came home to find my SO sitting on a bench, pissed and worried thought I should have called. If all else fails OP can blame in on an alien abduction. I was thinking the same thing. Hopefully hes open to counseling/therapy, but if hes not, and he instead doubles down on not letting you travel (regardless of destination), I do think you need to consider an exit strategy. Period. Be bored, and be boring: This is not a debate, this is a fact deal with it but stated calmly, not aggressively. This post was published on the now-closed HuffPost Contributor platform. No. Slot machines are boring, table games make me anxious, I dont like to lose money when I could shop with it instead. I agree, the posting guidelines specifically ask that we not attempt to diagnose mental issues, it tends to devolve into discussions about theories of mental health and people sharing their mental health stories vs: helping the letter writers. It could be, but its tougher to stay up all night gambling and partying in the middle of the week in NY or SF. She is bottle fed and was at that time, too, so if your LO is EBF, I'd say add more time. She doesnt like it when I had lied to her but its alright to lie to me and Im not welcome to come along and stay in a another hotel. In either case, I should have ended it. Exactly. So Vegas actually *is* pretty scandalous to a *lot* of people. I wish this would have been the first comment because it frames the issue perfectly. Thats fine! We were already pretty good at forming social subgroups with people who are more like us, but now that we have instant online communities for any reason or belief, the effect has grown, and we can choose to associate more with people who agree with our beliefs. The only people who would have a problem with visiting Las Vegas would be someone who has never been there! Iam lost. LWs spouse is overreacting for sure. Married people travel for work all the time, even to cities with a greater-than-their-fair-share amount of vices around, and they typically behave responsibly and stay faithful. We went off the beaten track and it was just like any other city. We respect everyones right to express their thoughts and opinions as long as they remain respectful of other community members, and meet What to Expects Terms of Use.